Breaking
by heavenly-vixen
Summary: You're the girl my father warned me about. I don't want you to break me. Skate angst with a happy ending. Set before The Brig but after Catch 22.


Title: Breaking  
Rating: M (to be safe)  
Descrition: You're the girl my father warned me about. I don't want you to break me.  
Disclaimer: Didn't you know, Sawyer's tied to my bed. ;)

He laughed mirthlessly as she collapsed against his chest. They'd been doing the same dance for over a week now. She'd come to him, late at night and take out her frustrations on his body. They'd work each other up to a dizzying height of sexual pleasure before falling over the edge together. And for a moment, as they lay exhausted and tangled in each other, it would feel real to him. He could keep his eyes closed, and his hands on her, and just for those few moments she was his. But as soon as she'd caught her breath, she'd untangle herself from him and stand to dress, leaving him lying there, naked and weak.

It was always the same the next morning, acting as if nothing had changed between them. Pretending that she didn't use his body every night, pretending that she wasn't breaking his heart a little more everytime she left his tent without a word. He'd excepted that he loved her, really loved her, long before the cages. Long before the raft even. But now, as she lay against his chest he realised finally who she was. And the bitterness of it, made him laugh humourlessly.

"What?" She asked him without raising her head. This was new. She didn't normally talk to him after.

"I just realised who you are freckles." He said, taking care not to touch her, even though his hands ached with the desire to.

"Who am I James?" She raised her head and looked right at him. He hated when she called him that; she wasn't his, he wasn't hers, and the name only felt like ownership.

"You're the girl my father warned me about." He answered staring back at her. Challenging her. Her face showed confusion as she waited for him to continue. "He told me once, that a girl would come along. A beautifl girl, and she'd steal my heart away. Make me love her like no one ever before. Take my breath away, he said." He allowed himself to enjoy the small smile that made its way onto her face for a moment, before he finished. "I'd love her so much it hurt, so much I'd give anything for her, my life... He told me she would break me." He watched as the smile dropped from her face at his words. The realisation of the moment hitting her full force. Hitting him. He didn't really know what he was doing bringing it up, but now as the words were spoken he realised. This was the end.

"What are you saying James?" She asked with fear in her voice.

Despite his better judgement, he reached up to cup her face, as she still lay on him, her body covering his. He smiled at her gently, wanting to commit this moment to memory. He wanted to remember her just like this. That for a brief moment in time, he had her. She was his, just for a heartbreaking second.

"I'm done freckles. I don't want you to be that girl." He saw the confusion on her face, and the tears welling in her eyes. He didn't know it would be this hard, that she would take it this hard. "I don't want you to break me. And if I don't pull away now, you will..." His thumb brushed away the single tear that fell from her eye. He knew she wouldn't let anymore fall, so he let his skin soak up the salty water, allowing himself to have just one of her tears. "I love you. I think you know that. But baby, you are hell on a boy's heart." It was uncharacteristic of him, he knew it. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't do it to her. He wouldn't let her wear the guilt that would come if he allowed this to continue. Funny how even now he wanted to save her from that.

"I.." Her voice died on her lips as she looked at him. He knew what she was trying to say. But he also knew it wasn't the truth.

"You don't have to freckles. I know you don't mean it." His voice was steady and completely void of accusation.

"James please. Don't do this." Her words brought images to his mind so powerful he had to close his eyes for a moment. He had been completely prepared to die for her that day. Sometimes he wished the trigger had been pulled. At least he would have left the world knowing that, at least in that moment, she was his and he was hers. And all the heartache of the last couple of weeks would have been spared him. She'd given him her body, but never her heart. It surprised even himself that the only thing he wanted from her, really wanted, was the one thing she couldn't give.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be him for you freckles." His voice sounded strange to his own ears. It was then that he realised that it was James that was speaking. Those words never would have come from Sawyer. She'd given him back James and he'd always be thankful for that.

"I never wanted you to be." Her voice wavered as she spoke, the tears still in her eyes, but just as he'd suspected she refused to let them fall. He knew her better than any one every had. He could read her like an open book. Known all her secrets before even she did. And that had scared the hell out of her. The only thing that frightened her more, was his ability to love her anyway. To love all of her and never ask anything in return. And that she was finding it harder and harder to deny the pull he had on her heart.

"Sure you didn't." He smirked, but just as it had all night, his voice held no accusations and no anger. She pressed her forehead against his, feeling stupid that the action felt more intimate than the dance their bodies had engaged in mere minutes earlier.

"I didn't. Really. Please believe me." She watched his eyes search hers and the confusion that settled on his face when he realised she was sincere. "I do love you James. I just don't know how to."

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her against his chest, his forehead still pressed against hers and pondered her words. The weight of them surrounded the couple suspended in time. He'd really believed that he wasn't what she wanted, who she wanted. He'd never allowed himself to believe that she loved him.

"Well I guess we're just going to have to figure that out together than huh?"

She smiled at his words, nodding silently. She breathed a sigh of relief as she settled her head against his chest and held onto him tightly. She didn't want to lose him. She just really never knew that she was hurting him so much. He'd always kept himself closed off. Until now.

Neither spoke a word for the rest of the night, but it didn't go unnoticed by Sawyer that Kate never made a move to pull away from him and dress. He even smiled when he realised that she'd fallen asleep on his chest. She'd stayed all night with him and left his tent with him in the morning. Not even bothering to look to make sure that no one saw them. She always managed to surprise him.

**_Author's note:_** I'd intended to have this be a really angsty little ficlet. But as I was writing it I realised it would please the Jaters too much ;). So I wrote a happy little ending for all us skater girls. Skate lives!!!!


End file.
